shoot i missed him.

me: courtney, that girl is carrying the same bag as me..
courtney: cut her deep.

1. first time in years (years!) i've really wanted to run away from you. so many things going on inside and i need to talk to you now because if i let my heart harden in silence then i'm really in trouble.
"though you have not seen him, you love him"
that verse may no longer apply to me as well as it used to, so right now i'm back to having nothing to give you. i have nothing to offer, not even a willingness to stay. the best i can do is give you permission to run after me when i take off. so, jesus, come after me spectacularly. but only if you really want to.

2. sophomore year of high school i prayed a last prayer - "jesus i'd love to stay with you, but given these circumstances, i'm not sure if i can. so this is the last time you'll hear from me, unless it happens that i'm confronted with the fact that you really are who you claim to be..."
we recuperated from that but it was a process (followed by some of your most surprising and dynamic appearances), but will it be the same this time? i get frightened, i wrangle with the issue a bit, i get frustrated, i'm gone? what if this time, i don't come back?

oh i am not a good woman. i am not a good woman. i am so demanding, and i don't even want to stay with you until i know that i've been explicitly invited.

3. hatty said "God didn't die for you to be good to him...he died for you."
i want to believe that you, jesus, are not like everyone else. you don't do things with strings attached; you don't claim to love unconditionally without thinking in the back of your mind "i'm really just waiting for her to become holy," or grow irritated when i need more reassurance even when you've already been so kind to me.
the church seems to have a fetish for certain behavioral norms, and as much as i've tried to tell myself that the church isn't always an accurate reflection of you, i'm not entirely certain that you're different.

are you another person i have to worry about not offending?

lives spent in attempts to not hurt anyone end up as lives in which relationships feel like burdens. if i have to move so painstakingly and so gingerly around you jesus, even when i'm scared and too tired to make the effort, i'd rather leave.

4. i'd like to fuck up really badly to see how you'd respond.

5. i don't want to bank on a rescue that isn't going to come. i'm tempted to get back in the boat and keep my feet off the damn water.

6. please don't be like my mom, jesus. please don't be like that boy. things between us are not ok right now, but i don't want to be the one to initiate this time. please love me better, please don't demand apologies. don't make me beg for your affection. don't withhold yourself from me, knowing that in the end, i'll give in because i can't stay away..

7. i spent 24 hours trying not to talk to you, and (FUCK) i miss you like crazy (worst day ever. no jesus in my day = worst. day. ever.) but can't bring myself to chase (even though right now i'm softening and opening a door, after i told myself that i'd stay silent, wouldn't lift a finger, would wait for you to make the next move). yet i'm talking to you because you're still the only one who knows that i look like when i'm real.

this doesn't mean i'm not angry at you, though.

8. when does grace run out? i'm pushing it.

9. hit me with love so hard, so tangibly that i'm permanently distracted from everything else in the world.

10. i might take off, but i'd be looking for you in all the places i wander.

even when i'm feeling wildly displeased with you, you still end up being the person that i trust and talk to the most. ...ridiculous, but reasonable.
on the outer part of me, i'm annoyed as hell; at my core, though, the most constant part of my personality hasn't changed. i still like you more than anyone else i know, and i still love and cherish you deeply, even if imperfectly. that outer skin of annoyance will peel off, but that heart of love isn't going anywhere.

i'm glad there's a greater range of feeling between us now. you never lacked that range of feeling. i was the one who came into this relationship seven years ago with only two modes in which i could interact with you - sad or happy. even then, i was only comfortable when i came before you in the latter mode. i'm becoming a little more convinced of my own love for you, now, and i think this is helping me understand the way you operate when you're with me.

is this how you are, God? you can feel anger, sorrow, hope, disappointment, joy, amusement.. and know that these feelings never threaten our relationship because at your core, you love me constantly?
this seems quite likely.

(oh i like you.)

there may be more to it, though..
i think you also know that at my core, i love you constantly. i'm just immature in my love. in all my mistakes, the overwhelming majority of them have been committed with a heart that desired to love you and a mind, body and soul that were immature in their ability to translate that love into action.
anger, frustration, joy, sorrow, victories, losses -
"man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." you're not scared of all the other emotions i exhibit because you've known something that i'm just beginning to learn: my love is the most real part of me. you made me in your own image; you planted this love, you're growing it up to look like yours.


every time i understand us more clearly, i find that you + i fit together better than i could have ever anticipated...

yesterday i said that conflict was a way of affirming what is present between two people. two days ago i said that this boy is, admittedly, a big deal because he is the convergence of many things i have been blessed with or burdened by in the past year, thus in dealing with this situation, i am actually dealing with an entanglement of hopes, disappointments, beliefs and values that were thrown into sharper relief by the consequences of our friendship.
it is about a boy, in some ways, but the deeper substance of this problem is not about a boy at all. for the second time this year and for the second time in my life ...i'm angry before you, jesus. the more religious version of me from a few years ago would have been appalled by the idea of anger before God, but as of now, even in the midst of my frustration, i'm satisfied that i've found the freedom to be consciously, deliberately ugly in your presence. i've been angry in the past, i'm sure, but this is only the second time i've trusted you enough to uncensor myself. anger is intimate. rage is intimate.


i feel, i think that you set a task before me that i tried to undertake only to find it too difficult. i feel like you gave me someone to love and befriend and i did it incorrectly
i feel that my broken heart is my own fault, that you weren't there to stop its breaking because maybe i was supposed to say "no" earlier to stop it myself, meaning that the ensuing tears, fury, humiliation and powerless indignation are all mine to clean up. it's been months, and the cleanup has not been successful. this is how i handle my life: the question, now, is whether or not it is good enough for you.
so. jesus. am i good enough? i failed a significant part of the life you put in front of me. do you still want me as a bride? as a partner? maybe i won't be able to keep up. maybe i'll get tired, and i'll leave you before you leave me first.
that journal entry i wrote last night was less inhibited and polished, compared to what i'm writing right now. i find that it describes the contents of my head a little more directly -

if you want me, speak even when i'm silent. when i've walked and found no viable destinations, come pick me up from where i've stopped.
please be gentle to me, gentler than i deserve
be unkind and you'll lose me
i don't want to be lost
i'm scared you'll be unkind and lose me when i didn't want to be lost.

- i thought i was supposed to love this boy and be as gracious, kind, and faithful as you would have been in my place. in the end i couldn't do it. in the aftermath i couldn't bear it. so are you going to be impatient with me now, after i've failed one task and failed to rehabilitate properly?
this is really about you and me. it's like a marriage in which two people are intending to stay together no matter what, but there are lovers on the outside that manifest the insecurities and hidden desires one party has brought into the household.
we both know which party i am.


i
just want to know
that you'd chase me down
and that you'd be able to tell that even when i'm running away
i am really, desperately hoping that you'll come after me.